I have a bad habit. I constantly think and dwell and even get obsessive about a topic. I can sometimes do a deep dive on something and let it consume me entirely. In some cases that can be really helpful and can guide you in learning something new very quickly. But, today I got some answers about myself.
I think I am afraid. I think that I might be afraid of everything. I am afraid of what people might think of my ideas. I am afraid of the person who calls me a bad writer. I am afraid of letting down my wife. I am afraid of figuring out that I am not capable of what I want to do. I am afraid of sucking. I am afraid of regret. I am afraid.
Today, I had some realizations that fear is driving a lot of my decisions and dictates a lot of what I want to do and what I want to make. I love this and I want to keep publishing and keep exploring different styles of stories. I have been writing fiction a lot lately and I want to start to share those stories. I am going to keep try to improve and try to get better each day. I want to make sure that I support people who are bringing joy to the world.
At around the beginning of the year. I decided to do a want list with a friend of mine. We just decided to write down some of the things that we wanted to achieve in a bulleted list. It was just something to kind of get the end goals down on paper and then start building the bridges to get to those goals. I decided to keep the want list handy so I can just look at it every so often if I thought that things were getting off track or I needed to be reminding if I am going to the ends that I really want.
I pulled the list out tonight to look at it again to get inspired again. I started looking at some other people and looking at their success and I started to get depressed. I saw some people achieving levels that I aim to achieve. I feel into that trap of comparing and started to feel it. But, I decided to look back at that list. It may have only been about three months since I wrote and I have time to achieve what I want to get done. I just need to have patience and keep working at it. I remember listening to someone that I’d admire but the name is blanking on me. They said, “eat shit for 24 months and then you will win.” Sometimes you gotta slow down and just keep pounding out the work.
I am on of those people that would be able to tell you the song that was playing during important life events. I have always received the most inspiration from listening. It was one of the reasons that music was so important to me in my teenage years. The stories and emotion were something that I was able to instantly understand and connect with than any other media. I used to be able to sit quietly in my basement in high school and just listen with my cheap headphones. I would just be able to close my eyes and I would be able to create these worlds and stories in my head from what I was listening to. A simple song would generate hundreds of ideas. I used to just right down music video ideas for the songs that I was listening to.
I don’t remember the first audio book or podcast that I listened to. It was just a natural medium for me to move to. I like to read as well but I am able to soak in more information quickly by just listening. I can also do it as a secondary activity and not just a primary activity.
Audio has always been an important part of my life and my development. I have tried to make some audio samples and have experimented with the idea of a podcast. I want to keep trying to make something that is meaningful and impactful.
In the meantime, I started a newsletter that will highlight some of the great content that I have come across and experienced. I want to curate some of the great moments and also talk about my journey of trying to make one.